It's been a long four months...

I'm not sure if anyone out there will even see this, but I feel the need to write today. I'm alone in my house, which never happens, and I'm thinking about Mom, which always happens, so I think I'll write.

Our family has celebrated a few milestones since Mom's passing on August 31, 2011:

• Jake, the oldest of the 9 grandchildren, turned 14 on September 8, 2011.
• Paul turned 31 on September 3, 2011.
• We celebrated Mom and Dad's 40th and Jamie and Brian's 7th wedding anniversaries on October 9, 2011.
• Maggie, my youngest,  turned 5 on November 12th.
• Dad turned sixtysomething on November 15th.
• Ella, Casey's oldest daughter,  turned 8 on December 8th.
• Rob and I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary on December 18th.

Maggie Rose Pifer celebrating her 5th birthday at preschool in November.

 

We all feel Mom's loss every day, but especially on days like these. We also made it through the holidays! Dad and Keno headed south in late November to get out of Boone before winter hit. We were happy to have him here for a week or so, and to celebrate Thanksgiving with him and the crowd that joined him.  We had Metzgers, Ferraros, Martins, Poulos', Rhatigans and Pifers all under my crowded roof in Tallahassee, 25 people in all!  It was a packed house indeed, and we had such a great time together, cooking and eating and just hanging out.

Thanksgiving 2011 in Tallahassee

Thanksgiving was bittersweet.  "Bittersweet" is my new favorite adjective. No other word captures what it does, and people instantly know what it means when you use it.  The picture above is bittersweet. Sweet that we're all together enjoying Thanksgiving, bitter that Mom was here last year and now she's not.  We all felt it. All the time.

The kids making Thanksgiving pies and treats with Aunt Laurie, Mom's youngest sister. Just last Thanksgiving, Mom sat at my counter and helped me peel apples while my girls made a mess with flour. Bittersweet.

 

 

 As great as it was to get through Thanksgiving together, I was happy to be with just my own family for Christmas, especially on Christmas Eve which my mother always made such a big, beautiful party out of.  I missed her on that day especially, so it was good that Rob and I just took the kids to church after dinner, and had a quiet evening at home when the kids went to bed. No party or family, and that made it bearable I think. Despite feeling her loss so profoundly through the Christmas season, we really did have a wonderful holiday. We baked and decorated cookies using the same cookie cutters Mom used with us growing up. It's a sweet tradition that I cherish.

Dad spent Christmas in Miami with Brian, Jamie, Ava and Declan.  Casey and the girls joined them from New York on Christmas night, and we followed a few days later to ring in the New Year together. We were only missing Paul, who spent the holidays in New York with his girlfriend, April. We missed them both and wished they were with us in sunny south Florida! We had lots of fun, enjoying the pool, golf course, beach and boat. Mostly we enjoyed each others company. Dad gave all of his granddaughters the sweetest gifts...Books by Hallmark that you record your voice on. Dad recorded himself reading each of the books, and my girls listen to them all of the time.  We spent an amazing evening together, without the kids, at Garcia's on the Miami River. Brian took us there on the boat, and we got to see a beautiful crescent moon hanging low over the Miami skyline and Biscayne Bay. We ate some amazing seafood and shared a memorable evening with Dad.

Dad and his three girls...

 Once New Year's was over and the tree came down, Casey and I helped Jamie hang some pictures on her freshly painted walls. We never spoke it, but we all felt it as we measured and debated and hammered away: Mom always did that for us, so now we're filling that gap for each other. It stinks, but we're all learning to live with the new normal.  Again, the only adjective that works is bittersweet. We enjoyed each other and made some new and special memories together, all the while feeling this great inescapable void.

I think we were all glad to be through the first batch of holidays without Mom, and to be starting this new year. 2011 was a rough one, really the roughest one we've all ever known.  The beauty of January 1st was that we got to leave it behind. I know you can never really leave it behind. It's always there, what we all went through, and it always will be.  But we can take a deep breath. Exhale. Do it again. We made it through. The world is still turning.  God is still sovereign over all things. Mom is still with us when we're baking cookies or hanging pictures or watching the cousins play together. We are still a family, closer and stronger and bound for life. It is well.

I Will Rise...

I've been thinking a lot about my mother today, as I do every day, but today imparticular since it's now been two weeks since her passing.  Someone asked me how I was doing, and the best way I know to describe it is that I'm sad, but not crying anymore.  I'll call that progress!  We're all working through this process of greiving in our own way.  I have taken great comfort in remembering the different ways God has been gracious to me through all of this.

As I was thinking about Mom while driving home from school with the kids today, I flipped on the radio and "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin was playing.  Ok, I'll admit that I did cry a little despite my statement above!  I couldn't help it!  When we were planning Mom's funeral, her sister Laurie let us know that Mom loved this song and would play it on her iPad all the time. It brought her great peace and comfort, and reminded her of her future hope.  Laurie suggested that we have it played at the service, we all agreed, and some wonderful musicians at Alliance Bible Fellowship in Boone performed it beautifully.

Well, in the days that followed while we were all at the house, we began the process of cleaning up and going through Mom's belongings. Jamie and I were looking through her bedside table, which held her Bible and lots of random things. We came across a journal that I know Mom's neighbor and friend, Wendy Jesson, had given her.  My mother was not a writer, and as far as I knew, never kept a journal. I fully expected it to be empty, but lo and behold, two pages were filled with Mom's distinct handwriting.  The first page was covered with scriptures she had written out. On the second page, she had written out the words to "I Will Rise."  Jamie and I were still in the cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat stage of grief, and we did just that.  I knew at that moment how much that song had encouraged her, and that there could not have been a more fitting song sung at her funeral.  I think you'll understand why she loved it so much when you read the lyrics below:

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise...  I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise...I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise...I will rise

Rob's closing remarks....

My husband Rob, the Student Ministries Pastor at Four Oaks Community Church here in Tallahassee, closed Mom's memorial service with these words, followed by a prayer.  Rob and I have been together for over 20 years, so she really was a second mother to him.  In fact, a friend of mine said very well that  "...If you were friends with one of Janet's kids, then it was like you were one of her kids."  Even more so with her sons-in-law...

As we close this time of remembrance and celebration of new life, I think it is important that we leave here with an exhortation in mind of how it is we are to continue on with each of our lives.


The exhortation for us is simple and dare I say obvious...and that is for us to always "Remember Janet". It's not that I'm concerned that we will forget her, it's just that I want us to actively and purposefully live our lives remembering her.

For each of us here, "Remembering Janet" will play out in different ways. The way it will play out for me, is not just by "Remembering Janet", but by "Remembering Mom", because by all accounts she will always be my second mother.

An example of what I mean is the fact that Mom was not one to sit around for any given period longer than 5 seconds. As much as I loved when Mom and Dad would visit my home, there was always an underlying sense of anxiety I would endure due to the fact that I knew I would not be "sitting around" for any length of time during their visit. By the time Mom and Dad left, there was always some sort of "Mom-inspired" house project that had been completed, usually by me. And even though I was somewhat relieved when Mom and Dad left, my desire was always for them to return soon. Because with Mom around, there was always the motivation and inspiration of staying productive and finding ways to make old things new, even if it was to simply rearrange the furniture in a room.

I use the word inspiring because that's what Janet is for all of us. When I think of her life and the way it intersected all of the lives here today, I'm reminded of the verse found in Philippians 1:21 - For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. These few words of the Apostle Paul, define every part of his being and purpose. His life was truly a win-win. Either he lives out his earthly life by serving Christ, or he goes on to the heavenly realm to rejoice in the full presence of Christ, free from the trials and afflictions of this fallen world.

That to me, is who Janet was and the purpose she lived.

The way she lived her life to serve and live Christ was by sacrificially serving others. Her entire life was a sacrifice of her own dreams and desires, because she lived her life to better the lives of everyone else, and all done with such a grace, beauty, and dignity that only Janet could bring.

Janet found her true gain on August 31st, 2011. Her gain was her found freedom from the suffering she endured for so long. Her gain was at last the full presence of Christ, and hearing the words "Well done, good and faithful servant; enter into the presence of your Lord."

All of us have are own memories and will find our own way to heal from our grief, but I encourage you to find that way by "Remembering Janet", living your life to serve others and knowing that she is finally home.

From Aunt Carol...

Aunt Carol Alger is the 5th Poulos kid, and the comedian of the family. It's hard to capture what she said without her voice filled with both humor and sadness, but you'll get the idea....

I started thinking about the past with my sister, but not the last two years because its been too sad. I usually can find humor in anything, but not in ALS.

My sister catered in Miami with her friend Mafie. They catered for people like Glorida Estfan and Jeb Bush. Jeb love her spinach pie, one of her signature dishes. Another one of her signature dishes was telling me what to do! So she made me join them on their catering adventures. One New Years's Eve night, the girls booked two parties.  They dropped me off at the first one and said, "Here is all the food and wine, we will see you later!" I cannot believe they did that! She told me to take all the dishes home with me and wash them. So I made it through the night and went home and put all of Mafie's crystal wine glasses in the dishwasher and went to bed. In the morning when I went to put them back in the boxes all the stems were broken. I called Janet she told me I should have hand washed them! We laughed and I gave them back to Mafie without telling her...sorry Mafie!


It was never easy for Janet to be the oldest of seven, always trying to keep us in line. It was a difficult job and we never made it easy on her. But we always did what she said, even if we did not want to. Janet and I talked a lot this last year, mainly about our faith in God and that we wanted to see a miracle.  She said either God will heal me or take me home with Him. We both had a new walk with Jesus that would change our lives forever.

Casey texted me at work on Wednesday and said, "Hurry, come! Mom is dying."  I will never forget that moment.  I made it right before she went home. Told her to say high to mom and dad, and that she would be with Jesus. That night I had a dream that she was talking and moving like she had never had that horrible disease. I said to her, "Janet ,you are all better!"  I have learned this year that God does answer prayers but, they always look different on how I would envision them to look.  We both learned to stop asking why, why! Janet wanted everyone to no how strong her faith was.

I love you, you will be missed forever. Carol

An Excellent Wife...

Our brother Brian Rhatigan, Jamie's husband, read Proverbs 31:10-31 at Mom's memorial service last Saturday.  I remember that Mom had suggested that it be read for her Aunt Jackie Hammell and my "Memaw"  Mary Metzger at services for them when they passed away.  As fitting as it was to honor those two great ladies with a reading of it, it was equally fitting to be read for my mother, who was indeed an excellent wife.  Brian read it from Mom's own well-worn Bible, and I've copied it here in the English Standard Version, just like Mom's. 

Proverbs 31:10-31

An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life.

She seeks wool and flax,

and works with willing hands.

She is like the ships of the merchant;

she brings her food from afar.

She rises while it is yet night

and provides food for her household

and portions for her maidens.

She considers a field and buys it;

with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

She dresses herself with strength

and makes her arms strong.

She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

Her lamp does not go out at night.

She puts her hands to the distaff,

and her hands hold the spindle.

She opens her hand to the poor

and reaches out her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of snow for her household,

for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

She makes bed coverings for herself;

her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them;

she delivers sashes to the merchant.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,

and she laughs at the time to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom,

and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women have done excellently,

but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands,

and let her works praise her in the gates.

From Uncle Dave Poulos...

The seven Poulos kids, taken at Grandma's funeral in Miami, January 2011...
Left to right: Joanne, Carol, Jeff, Janet, Jim, Laurie and David

Uncle Dave, better known as U.D. to us kids, is the youngest boy of the Poulos kids and second from the bottom.  Though he's one of the youngest, he has emerged in recent years as the patriarch of the Poulos clan.  He visited Mom for her birthday, just two weeks before her death, and I know it meant so much to her that he did.  Here are his words from her funeral:

My Sister Janet

Recently at my mom’s service this past year, I declared my mother to be a class act like nobody I knew. Well I have to back track on that. There is another. You see, the class act gene runs strong among my sisters, especially Janet. Her children will always remember her for always being there for them as one who chose to forgo a career (and she could have done anything) to stay at home to nurture, guide and cheer them on in life. Her husband will remember her for her devotion, support and a rock during good times and bad. I will always remember her as, well, kind of a second Mom and mentor in my youth. As a teenager when I got my driver’s license I would hit the road from Miami and drive to her home in Long Island just to hang with her and her beautiful young family. The girls thought it was to see their school plays. Sorry.

To everyone who knew my sister, she will always be known for her incredible hospitality as well as her amazing meals. Janet lived to serve and set an example for all of us. I believe the most frustrating aspect of this disease for her was that she couldn’t do for others, which was very difficult for her. Now others had to serve and care for her in ways they never would have imagined. My hats off to Paul who never left her side as well as her sisters and her four children who made frequent trips to assist.

Finally, I just want to encourage Paul, Shannon, Casey, Jamie, and Paul to always be grateful for the 60 years that God loaned her to us. He chose this week while walking in His garden to pick this particular flower for himself. Janet has been promoted by the Grace of God and I am grateful for that. Love you Jan!



From Aunt Laurie...

Aunt Laurie Martin is the youngest of the seven Poulos kids, and lives in Boone near Mom and Dad...

I'm Laurie, the baby of the family. Janet was the oldest of the us 7. She always doted that she raised me. Well...she kinda did. In pictures I was always on her lap or in her arms. My mom shipped me off every summer to her. At about 13 I remember one summer crying to her (I always thought I had such older parents), I asked her, "Where will I live if something happens to Mom and Sad?"  Her answer?  "You'll live with me, of course." That's all I needed to hear.


Jan being 10years older than me had kids way before I ever did. During my summers with her I learned how to be a mom.  She was the "Koolaide mom", with dinner always set.  I learned how to take of babies from her. Her kids were like my kids, and I had picture albums full of you kids!

She was very protective of each of you. She would never talk about things that were private.  I asked her what she would like to say to her kids, she said to me "you tell them". It was just to hard for her at this point. I know she was so proud of each of you. She wanted you to walk with God, to understand the "Cross".

And of course she wanted you to be happy and to be taken care of. Though we could never fill her shoes, you have a lot of family here to make sure that happens!

I have the assurance we will be together again, Janet.  Give mom and dad a hug for me... I'll forever miss you!