It's been a long four months...

I'm not sure if anyone out there will even see this, but I feel the need to write today. I'm alone in my house, which never happens, and I'm thinking about Mom, which always happens, so I think I'll write.

Our family has celebrated a few milestones since Mom's passing on August 31, 2011:

• Jake, the oldest of the 9 grandchildren, turned 14 on September 8, 2011.
• Paul turned 31 on September 3, 2011.
• We celebrated Mom and Dad's 40th and Jamie and Brian's 7th wedding anniversaries on October 9, 2011.
• Maggie, my youngest,  turned 5 on November 12th.
• Dad turned sixtysomething on November 15th.
• Ella, Casey's oldest daughter,  turned 8 on December 8th.
• Rob and I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary on December 18th.

Maggie Rose Pifer celebrating her 5th birthday at preschool in November.

 

We all feel Mom's loss every day, but especially on days like these. We also made it through the holidays! Dad and Keno headed south in late November to get out of Boone before winter hit. We were happy to have him here for a week or so, and to celebrate Thanksgiving with him and the crowd that joined him.  We had Metzgers, Ferraros, Martins, Poulos', Rhatigans and Pifers all under my crowded roof in Tallahassee, 25 people in all!  It was a packed house indeed, and we had such a great time together, cooking and eating and just hanging out.

Thanksgiving 2011 in Tallahassee

Thanksgiving was bittersweet.  "Bittersweet" is my new favorite adjective. No other word captures what it does, and people instantly know what it means when you use it.  The picture above is bittersweet. Sweet that we're all together enjoying Thanksgiving, bitter that Mom was here last year and now she's not.  We all felt it. All the time.

The kids making Thanksgiving pies and treats with Aunt Laurie, Mom's youngest sister. Just last Thanksgiving, Mom sat at my counter and helped me peel apples while my girls made a mess with flour. Bittersweet.

 

 

 As great as it was to get through Thanksgiving together, I was happy to be with just my own family for Christmas, especially on Christmas Eve which my mother always made such a big, beautiful party out of.  I missed her on that day especially, so it was good that Rob and I just took the kids to church after dinner, and had a quiet evening at home when the kids went to bed. No party or family, and that made it bearable I think. Despite feeling her loss so profoundly through the Christmas season, we really did have a wonderful holiday. We baked and decorated cookies using the same cookie cutters Mom used with us growing up. It's a sweet tradition that I cherish.

Dad spent Christmas in Miami with Brian, Jamie, Ava and Declan.  Casey and the girls joined them from New York on Christmas night, and we followed a few days later to ring in the New Year together. We were only missing Paul, who spent the holidays in New York with his girlfriend, April. We missed them both and wished they were with us in sunny south Florida! We had lots of fun, enjoying the pool, golf course, beach and boat. Mostly we enjoyed each others company. Dad gave all of his granddaughters the sweetest gifts...Books by Hallmark that you record your voice on. Dad recorded himself reading each of the books, and my girls listen to them all of the time.  We spent an amazing evening together, without the kids, at Garcia's on the Miami River. Brian took us there on the boat, and we got to see a beautiful crescent moon hanging low over the Miami skyline and Biscayne Bay. We ate some amazing seafood and shared a memorable evening with Dad.

Dad and his three girls...

 Once New Year's was over and the tree came down, Casey and I helped Jamie hang some pictures on her freshly painted walls. We never spoke it, but we all felt it as we measured and debated and hammered away: Mom always did that for us, so now we're filling that gap for each other. It stinks, but we're all learning to live with the new normal.  Again, the only adjective that works is bittersweet. We enjoyed each other and made some new and special memories together, all the while feeling this great inescapable void.

I think we were all glad to be through the first batch of holidays without Mom, and to be starting this new year. 2011 was a rough one, really the roughest one we've all ever known.  The beauty of January 1st was that we got to leave it behind. I know you can never really leave it behind. It's always there, what we all went through, and it always will be.  But we can take a deep breath. Exhale. Do it again. We made it through. The world is still turning.  God is still sovereign over all things. Mom is still with us when we're baking cookies or hanging pictures or watching the cousins play together. We are still a family, closer and stronger and bound for life. It is well.